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Friday, February 24, 2006

.....................

im like talking alternatively.
about 2 different matters.alternately.
after crying, i get reminded of the matter, when i wake up from dreaming, i think about the second matter.maybe tts why im posting so much and so alternately.

feeling much better after crying and sleeping.
but still, i hav a lot of overwhelming feelings in me now.

i just thought it's been such a happening 2 daes.
in fact one dae.
everything happened yesterdae, but coincidentally they happened becos of accumulative feelings.
n happened when the night has fallen.

both matters made me felt so much unbearable heartache.
heartwrenching moments.

since young, i've always been protective.some said it was over-protective.
of my friends.
till todae, i still am.
never failing to be so subjective.esp when it comes to trying to "clarify" matters.
when things go awry, i tend to be non-objective.
maybe cos im not an object, that has no feelings.hahaha.just kidding.=P.

someone once told me,"Joyce, don't let your feelings control you"
the person added on, saying something like it's going to make you lose all your friends.

i dint noe how to answer.
i do things sometimes out of impulse.n ultimately becos of feelings.
doing things to make someone u love happy, i will do anything to exchange for it.

i dun want anymore people to be in my memory.i always tell myself.
to hav someone in ur memory,to me, means the person is no longer by you.
up till todae, i have a whole long list of these people.

but however, if somedae if i happen to hav senile dilemma i would want my loved ones in my memory.
ok.sounds so contradicting.hahaha.but nvm.
tts my forte.

im here by you.
smile.=).

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/24/2006 11:13:00 PM :: link

.............

not blogging so much becos im too free.
but i just have so much feelings inside me.
overwhelming feelings in fact.

i just cant seem to stop crying.
each time someone just mentions the clique.i just cant help n the tears just flow.
i hav already cried thrice.
n i still am.

see my heartache.
just happened to blog read.including my own.saw Juan's tag, read her blog.
n i see how sobby i can get.

i would miss them all so so so much.
Wai Aung's favourite phrases,"What Would I Do Without You"
Yuting's,"Whey......................................"
Bec's chats
Daph's cold jokes
Juan's loud voice-muahahaha=P
Amy's motherish ways
Ali's blurness.

someone said, its alright we would see each other in skol.
it did make sense, then again we are not together again.=(.

how much i wish we would not separate.
but in life, i noe theres always such sobby affairs that we all go thru'.
never did liked it.

i seem to be making it a big hoo-ha out of this separation.
for once.
my sec 4 graduation i dint even made it this big.
this bond is much more stronger i feel.
i just love everything about this whole clique.the babes.

n i just miss them all and Niaima now.

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/24/2006 06:18:00 PM :: link

.............

im up so early.was up at 12.45pm already.couldnt sleep so long after the constantly 2-4 hours of sleep for the earlier part of the week.

anw, so yesterdae i was online till 2+am.
just chatting online.
a lot of thoughts went thru' my mind.thru'out the whole conversation.nothing but this thought.
why did things changed so fast.within 2 months, things changed.
it feels like split of the second.

changing friends and thoughts.
abandonment,anger,disappointment feelings somehow at some point.
honestly, changes in the attitude was realli something i would never have expected.
becos it is such a drastic change.

it's like from love to hate.
is that wat should always happen after breakups in life?
well, if u ask me.i dun think so.

cos i've been doing fine with my exs.
i was.until many other things happened last year.
but definitely, after so long since the breakups, i had no hard feelings against them or wat not.
esp with my last ex, the breakup dint even make me hate him or anything even though he changed his "target" to someone else.but maybe becos i dint love him.

some find it amusing how i do it.to even be good friends with ur exs.
but maybe, just totally giving up in the heart helped me.
time required to sort out the thoughts, let go n eventually forget him.
well, i onli managed to forget my first ex totally after 2-3 years?hahaha.
time is wat u need.in my opinion.
so it is attainable.doesnt matter how long i take to forget as long as i did eventually right.

sometimes, i just gotta say.
its so hard n painful the whole journey in forgetting him.
together in a relationship for nearly a year, but i used twice close to thrice the time to forget.
along the way u may see ur ex hanging out with a lot of girlfriends or constantly trying to get close to other girls around u.
tt was the kinda hurt i had too.

eventually it stopped.cos i felt there was just no outcome in holding on.
to the feelings,likings, hurt, pain caused by holding on.

n when i finally did let go of everything about him, who would have expected we turned out into better friends.
by being better friends, i was no hypocrite.
i was genuinely treating them as good friends.
cos i took time to settle myself down n open up to them again.
things turned out so unexpectedly unexpected i guess.

i learnt thru'out the process in forgetting my ex.
esp letting go of someone i did love.
found back my life, a life much less useless thoughts.
n i found out who he realli is,the true colours.
which im so glad n Thank God i did give him up.
=).

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/24/2006 01:13:00 PM :: link

.......................

might cry.gonna cry.cried.
mainly becos of my clique.n xing tong over something else.

im toking online to Bec now, n Amy just now.
den we were toking abt the sad scene.
next week's class chalet i will be leaving very early in the morning before 8am.
n im tinking when i leave some might be asleep still n im like seeing all of them as i leave.
its just so sad.

the bond i had with them i felt is strong.
with the whole clique.
i just can't bear to part.
even though we will see each other in skol, but with each's inidividual new cliques.
i hate such partings.but this one esp.when i feel the togetherness so much,with the babes.

i love them all!
the babes->Wai Aung, Daphne, Rebecca,Yuting, Juan, Amy, Ali.
i do love u guys a lot.=).
now im gonna say,"What would i do without you all"

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/24/2006 02:02:00 AM :: link

Thursday, February 23, 2006

.......................

ok.its finally the end of exams,n i can realli sleep late for all i want form todae on.
anw, i have so much things i want to say.
some i can say, some i can't.
so i shall just say watever i can.

ok.first, it was wednesdae[yesterdae].
as i was saying, i realli enjoyed the time when i just sat with Bianca n Vanessa.
realli.short but heartwarming i would say.
the 2 of them made me very happy.
i felt tt i was lighthearted, could laugh n joke n everything.

which is something i've not felt ever since the Madeleine n everyone thing.
becos ever since the thing happened, even with the washing of the feet, it never brought me back much closer to her or Julian or Gus.
realli.
whenever i play in the band, i feel i dun feel tt lighthearted.
becos i feel tt the onli person i can laugh or smile with, in the entire band, is Bianca.
in terms of co-ordination or any form of eye contact.

onli when Bianca is there, i would laugh n smile more when im playing.
when shes not, i dun.cos i feel theres no physical being[so apart from God la] who can motivate me to smile.

so yesterdae, i felt it was a wonderful time spent with God, Bianca and Vanessa.
just singing praises to him, putting in my emotions as i sing.
honestly,partly is becos the songs we sang r nice n new songs n the lyrics r nice.
n HE made me feel very fortunate when i was laughing n joking with Bianca and Vanessa.

yup, well i definitely have no intention to leave the band or anything by saying these.
because i tink i noe myself well, im not someone who can always give my all into singing, as compared to playing the guitar even though sometimes i dun hav a physical being[most of the time Bianca] to connect with or make me laugh as i play, i noe theres a spirit n theres God who can make me feel as focussed and motivated to play n give HIM the best as i play.

yup, so tt was yesterdae.
todae's the last paper.
went out with my clique to have dinner after the paper, which ended at 6.30pm[started at 4.30pm].

n again, i felt very happy n fortunate to be in the same clique as the babes.haha.
we went chomps.n chatted so much.about the first impressions of each other,the happenings in a cab during the journey there n stuffs.hahaha.
it was realli funny oso.hahaha.
den headed for some ice cream.

but i felt quite sad when we were about to leave.
just felt quite sad, firstly i won't get to see them until next week's chalet.
n secondly, im afraid to noe we might be in different classes next year.=(.
but i noe God has his plans for me.wherever i go, i noe he planned tt path for me.
n i choose to take the paths.=).

anw, i do have some unhappiness.or rather bu shuang things tt happened oso.
some tt happened made me feel so angry n disappointed, some made me sad n upset.
n i've got to say this.
for some, i choose to believe it even if its highly not real because it would make me feel so much lighter if i dun think too much about wat my frend[skol] choose to tell me.

but for others, its simply the disappointment n anger.
realli.
esp when they reflect or behave so much like someone whom u got a guo jie with.
n someone whom u still can't realli accept.
hai.n im angry about it too.

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/23/2006 10:45:00 PM :: link

.............

going to sleep after this.
cos tml's stats paper n i need a lot of concentration to do all the calculations.

anw, i simply love the dae i had todae[Wednesdae].
the dae started off not very well,not becos of papers but something else.
but i felt all so happy again, when i met up with my Niaima.
we met an hour earlier before choir to hav dinner.
so its realli a short time.

but we had a lot to catch up it seems, as usual.haha.
anw, n becos i dint had to practise for fridae, i sat with her during practise.
singing along with the choir,joking around, chatting n stuff.
which realli lightened my thoughts.

n i just felt indescribably happy.
no stress no nothing.
it was just great.
i felt like a very fortunate n happy person.
esp, when i sang with the choir.

ok more details to be continued tml.
after my LAST paper!hahahha.
Good Luck again to everyone n myself!

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/23/2006 12:13:00 AM :: link

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

.......................

a few daes since i blogged.
havent been having enough sleep esp since sunday.
on sunday night i onli slept at 3.45am n woke up at 5.45am, to revise.
i was seriously mugging till the wee hours.
same for yesterdae, but at least i had about 5 hours of sleep.

n im so dead tired just now, i came home eat lunch n napped.
anw, so far so good for the papers i took.
tml's marketing.

anw, i fell in my house toilet on sunday.
n now i've got a relatively bad bruise on my kneecap.

oh ya, btw, the little bubble on my eye has gone away a few daes ago.
my prayers were heard.=)

so anw, 2 more daes n i will be free!!
im excited about the holidaes already.haha.

cant remember wat i realli wanted to say already.
cos everydae its just all about mugging.

but i remember i still miss my Niaima.=/.
n fortunately tml's wed already!!hahaha.
im finally going to see her tml!!!hahaha.after one whole week!

here's wishing everyone including me, taking exams Good Luck!

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 2/21/2006 04:57:00 PM :: link