|mpress|ons of An Express|on

Saturday, January 07, 2006

..................

hi.
so yesterdae, the jet dint "do" anything to me.
no funny noise pollution.cos i decided to change jet.
but it dint stop me from fearing of the jet,at all.
i dint dare to pull it out to pass it to Gus even though i knew it was off.
n same when the whole thing ended.
i was the last to get going.cos i insisted on checking with the sound people tt it was off on mains.

so the jet thing's still in my mind.no doubt.

well, but i can't deny tt im still worried about the jet now and then.
like preparing for the worst when i think about going to play the guitar.
thinking how im gonna throw my face again when i pluck it out.
how i dunnoe how to pluck in the cables right for 4th sat.
i dunnoe.
im so freaking paranoid about it.

the cables made me feel so shit useless.
no self confidence.always relying on others to double check if im doing it right.
shit.

remembering once Julian, band leader, was quite pissed when he had to check the cables connection.n i connected wrongly.
n he said something like this,"i thought i taught u so many times already u still don't know?"
this isnt the exact words but somethng like tt ok.

i felt shit after tt.n it was a 4th sat.
so for the practice thru'out i dint felt good.
cos i felt useless.

when things go awry, negativity gets to me.
which makes me feel useless and cowardy.

im jux spitting all my shit feelings out now.

had a chat with my Niaima online jux now.
felt a little better in every aspect tts troubling me.
at the very least she made me smile and laughing again.after i dunnoe how many daes.
for as long as i dint chat with her.

i think i realli needed that chat.
this week.
no one and nothing has been able to make me give tt true smile.
everyday has been hell.esp on wed thurs,fri.cos of the jet again.

i know im realli irritating n stupid to feel so shit over the jet matter.
but realli im feeling tt shit.
gues si finally had enough of being so careless with the jet.
but it turned into a phobia instead of cautiousness.

things are going bad.
would have been worst if without Bianca.
Thanking God for her.

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 1/07/2006 03:09:00 PM :: link

Thursday, January 05, 2006

...................

hello.
i survived this week of school surprisingly.
had 2 ICAs,accounts and effective writing skills.
both of which i found mistakes after i did the paper.

anw, yesterdae was a not very good day.
started off with accounts paper at 9am.den continuation of lecture until 1pm.
headed home, skipping econs make-up lesson(5pm-7pm).
tried studying EWS but wasnt very efficient apparently.
took a short nap, and left for dinner with Bianca.

the dinner was pretty short.but i was seriously happy when i saw Bianca.
after not seeing her for one day less than a week.haha.
i was very tired but yet happy la.=D
we did quite a lot of catching up.den left for CSC.

It was a little celebration of Augustine's parents' 20th wedding anniversary.
with mass and the renewal of vows.
n the junior band was playing.
i was quite prepared NOT to play.haha.

anw,i made a few blunders.
which i felt lousy about.
first was the spoiled jet/cable.AND i stepped on the other cable.so it was super shit noise pollution.
den it was the start of mass.n it had to happen.
n kena like embarrassed.n i apologized.
initially i was quite fed up for being embarrassed cos i felt it wasnt my fault tt the cable was spoilt.but after a while i just forget it la.

den end of everything i thought it was off.i plucked the cable out and realized its not.
freaking pissed.
pissed with no one but myself.
i have only myself to blame right.for "thinking" and not ask n check.

so i was realli fed up after the whole thing.
after Bianca left, i was all ready to shut up and stone whenever i could.

and since the end of the whole mass etc, this stupid thing has been on my mind.
even when i was studying for EWS late last night and early this morning.
todae the whole dae it didn't leave me alone.

now im a little worried and paranoid about tomorrow's growth session.
i really am.
n it's frustrating me.

it's like so screwed up.
this week's really hell for me throughout.
with the ICAs, some shit ass, and this kinda stupid thing staying in my mind.

the only good thing had to be the dinner last night with Bianca.
though it was short, at least it was like the most relax time and feeling im having this week so far.
screwed up.SCREWED.
but fortunately, i got back POM n Accounts ICA1 results.faired well.satisfied with the marks.

not having enough sleep does not help at all.
but i feel im the one not letting myself sleep.sometimes.
i forced myself awake to watch tv just now.
laugh it off and try to relax my brains.

todae's the last day of Christmas.12 days of X'mas.
i dint even remember.

this is only the beginning of the year and things are like that.
it had to be.
i hope for a smoother n smooth sailing year.

n hopefully no more troubles with friendships.
i realli hope.
cos for the past 2 years i have been having trobles with different friends.esp last year.
sadly true.

i've gotta admit im not an easy friend to have.
at same time, others out there are too.
making things difficult, doing all things to force me to dead ends.
i just gotta buck up on ignoring skills.=
haha.
im such a troubled girl todae.

surviving.
i miss my Niaima.

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 1/05/2006 11:19:00 PM :: link

Monday, January 02, 2006

............................

it's 1.30am.and im still wide awake.
im tired but jux don't feel like heading to bed.

i went to peek at another person's blog.
someone whom i don't know,yet admire her.
slightly older than me, knowledgable person.

i've been reading it since a few weeks ago.
but not constantly reading just when im free or bored i would think of reading.haha.
it's like my bedtime storybook.

i was reading her old entries.
well, i just thought she's someone often surrounded by relationship affairs.
whether it's friendship or relationship.
she constantly speaks of relationship matters.but in a different manner.

she's not typically those who blog about their own relationship affairs.
sometimes she does, other times she just ponders about them.
like what's romance, love,breakups etc.affairs of the heart.
something she said really made me think a little further about breakups.

she was hurt deeply.maybe still is, but yet live her life like it's ok and normal.
she's a brave and courageous person to me.
although i do not know her in person[though i sure would like to], i still admire her.

it does interest me reading her blog.
realli.

BacK By M3,
Joyce

Joyce at 1/02/2006 01:29:00 AM :: link